uncharted territory

I have been blessed in my life to have not experienced much loss. And now I am facing a loss that will change my life forever... my mother.
My mother is dying.
And my analytical nature is at war with my ever-developing spirituality. At the core, I am a control-freak. And if I have learned anything in the past year, it is that I have no control over cancer. So I am seeking Peace. I want to be okay with what happens next. I want that Peace that surpasses understanding. Because, right now, I struggle to understand...
Why my mom? Why now? Why in this way? What good is to come of this?
I avoid the question of Why not?
I watch in awe the 20/20 & Dateline specials that document the courageous and tragic plights of others as they battle disease or suffer loss. And they persevere, they overcome, they smile in the face of their challenges and human limitations. And I smile with them. I shed a tear. What amazing people. What unfortunate circumstances. Better them than me, because I don't think I could be that strong.
I am not that strong.
I catch myself bargaining with God: please don't do this. I know it's not about me, and that it's not about my strength. That strength comes through You. Well, strengthen someone else and leave me my mom.
Once again I am slapped in the face with the realization that I am not in control. It is God's will, not mine. No matter the argument I bring to Him, no matter the concessions I am willing to make. I am at His mercy. Just as I have been all along. Just as I will continue to be.